when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
