I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
