Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
