About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
