I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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