How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
one might say we're banned from that church
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
