I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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