She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
