hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
