There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
