Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
