I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize