Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
