hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
