i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Randomize
