yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
