apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
