i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
