Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
