I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
