One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
