in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
