I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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