when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I forget how to act sober
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
