I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize