I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
