Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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