ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
it was like his penis was on wheels.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
