be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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