What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
