Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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