who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
