were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
