you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
