Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize