this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
