Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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