my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize