every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
