Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
