I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
