just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
