i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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