He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
