A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
