just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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