You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Randomize
