i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
