Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
