i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
