I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It was like giving head to a cactus.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
