According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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