i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
