yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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