i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
