Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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