Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
