Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
