are you still at the devil's house?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
