new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
