we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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