happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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