We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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