My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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